It’s been a doozy of a week here. Actually the past few weeks have been building up in an inner magma build up of utter rage that needed to blow a hole in a mountain before things could settle down again. I am filled with rage some days. And then meltdowns and epic failures and parental losing of my shit occurs. I live in a pressure cooker and this week it all came to a head. And now I’m picking up the remnants and piecing things back into a better order. An order that works for me and damn the consequences.
Which was great until my washer dryer died on me, just before 4 pints of full cream milk poured all over my sitting room carpet like Cleopatra’s bath and I was left with every towel I owned smelling of SOUR MILK. Which meant, of course, I had to wash things by hand, in the bath tub. As my house oozed an unearthly sick smell. And now sick smell with disinfectant. Just little things add one on top of another and some days I feel so utterly buckled.
The eldest asked me why I am always sad. And I couldn’t really think of one big thing, but just death by a thousand cuts. We wrote them down and are making plans to rectify each one. If only life were that easy. Or less emotionally fraught. Or more logical. Yes, I think I should have been born a Vulcan, goddamn it. And it’s true that only you control your happiness… but when your mind, heart and life is a ball of tangled yarn it’s hard to find the end to unravel it all with. I try, I really do.
Today I had a lay in all morning. I was dog tired and heavy with exhaustion, physical and mental. I awoke and my eyes landed on that little shelf with a few pretty craft things on, and I felt my heart bloom into joy. Such a pretty sight to greet me. Such a simple pleasure, which resulted in a sense of peace and order greater than the size of its contents. How joy finds us as we search for it elsewhere.
I am also beset by technical issues these days too. My phone is hanging on by one tendon and blanches at the sight of my beloved Instagram. Flickr isn’t talking to my laptop. My camera… well it has thousands, THOUSANDS of images on and I don’t think I will ever catch up and share all that we have been up to recently. So this blog is more boring than it usually is, and perhaps it is time to leave this behind and move on. I think blogging is well and truly dead. With social media like twitter and instagram the way we connect these days is improving; where once internet lives were transformed into communities with the invention of online journals, I don’t think they offer anything much any more.
But then, I’m out of juice so I might just been doing a swan song before I get a grip and start finding things I want to remember and share again.
Bear with me.