An Inane Post

Forgive me whilst I ramble; forgive me as I let off steam. Again.
Class taxi service
Most days I try to blog the pretty bits of our days together, and in between all the mess there are without doubt many beautiful moments to our days. But that is not all. Oh no, that is not all. Because of course there is the other stuff too – things I don’t share, try to ignore, gloss over with optimism and brush under the carpet for the sake of my sanity. And most days that works.

But today, and for the past week or so, I have been bubbling with resentment.

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I am tired; despondent; fed up of trying to see the glass as half full when actually some selfish asshole has drank the last drop. I am tired of pretending it will all get better. I am tired of having to wear rose-tinted glass instead of having a real sunset to colour my world.

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I am stuck in a rut; we are penniless, beyond broke, and it’s never going to get any better. I am stuck in this two-bedroom house the size of a postage stamp in the ghetto and it’s never going to change. Short of an absolute miracle things will not change.

Add to this fact that, even if we were earning money we couldn’t take a mortgage and you will understand how our horizon is basically the edge of cage.

I am tired of handling the lion’s share of the work around here. Really tired of being taken for granted. Tired of the fact that I settled for so very little. I am just so tired, and unable to see the payoff.

My laundry lies in piles throughout the house in a vain attempt to get dry (with the onset of winter laundry takes daaaaays to dry in the house… and hey, let’s sit and read and share a cup of tea under a tram line of moldy underwear…yeah). The ironing pile, which has amassed over weeks, oh who am I fooling, months, stands waist high. The cutlery and plates lie on the work surfaces because we have no cupboard space. The fridge door panel has fallen off, the washing machine drawer can’t be opened unless you have a screwdriver, the toilet cistern is leaking, mold grows behind damp wardrobes, the garden… oh ignore the garden, and I have no space to store anything.

I don’t even know why I’m bothering to write any of this. I don’t even know why I bother blogging; it’s so vapid.

I’m just tired and bored of everything. And I’m tired of lying to myself to get me through the to-do list.

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38 thoughts on “An Inane Post

  1. Sticking my head very carefully above the parapet here, but could you move? I mean, I know you’re far from stupid, but sometimes when one is feeling at their worst it seems like everything is a pile of poo.As I understand it, rents around here are a lot cheaper than parts of the south and there are even cheaper areas than here.In this village you could rent a 3 bed in a reasonable area (ie not posh but not awful) for £460pcm (I have no idea how that compares) – I know because we’ll be moving in Jan as we need to find somewhere cheaper than R has moved out and the hope is John can change his hours from the awful early morning (2am) start!Aside from that (((hugs)))

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  2. Hi Debbie, This post makes me so sad. I always admire the way you live your life even though it is challenging. The road least travelled is not easy and its ok to feel like it gets you down sometimes. The only thing I can say is that seasons change in our lives and things that seem like they will be that way for ever do ever so slowly move around. The boys will grow and leave before you know it (yes I know everyone says that but it’s true). You and your man have made really strong choices about how you want to live and sometimes that means the consequences are harsh. Keep your chin up (as we say here), kia kaha (be strong) and say to yourself, “this too will pass” because actually, believe it or not it will.Love and hugs from the bottom of the world, deb xxxxxxxxx (i’m debpotteringabout on instagram, I just have different names everywhere haha)

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    1. Thankyou Deb. Sometimes I ‘know’ it, and some days I only ‘know’ it in my head rather than in my bones. I’m OK today. And by OK I mean I’ve only lost the will to live once. So far. But it is only 11am… hm..

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  3. i am finding it tricky to find the words to leave on this post as i know that the last thing you want to hear is that it will all be alright..i have felt just like this, sitting at the very bottom of a large pit of gloom and when well meaning folk tried to jolly me up i just wanted to rip their heads off – no words of comfort from them was ever dragging me back.when i slip i stop looking at blogs, stop gazing at seemingly perfect people in their perfect houses with their perfect kids and piles of cash – in fact i just tend to stop..so no advice or words of comfort from me to you – nope, none..instead what i leave you here today is my friendship and if you need to escape just shout xthinking of you and holding you closet x

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  4. Assalamu alaikum,It is as though you have zoomed in on us/me and described in jaw dropping detail my situation………YOUR TOTALLY NOT ALONE….LETS MAKE DUA FOR EACHOTHER and every other despondent ,taken for granted one!…oh and …. and hey, let’s sit and read and share a cup of tea under a tram line of moldy underwear…yeah…Actually we’ve had plenty of those and I’ve actually got my sons mildew stained undies to prove it !

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  5. As salaamu ‘alaykum dear DebbieThis made me tear up. SubhanAllah, you’ve described my life just about. We had two bedrooms and a teeny kitchen and tried to make a space for our books by building an extension, but it let in the rain and almost destroyed everything, so it was back to mess, cramped spaces and high levels of irritation all around. May I please join you and Umm Yusuf for tea, du’aa and hugs? Making lots of prayers here in Islamabad for you. (It’s Imaan… The one who covets iPhones and all sorts of gadgets too.)

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  6. Prayers are coming from me. Do you think it could be the change of seasons? I know summer is your best one, and this year you really didn’t have one, so your body is still waiting for sun and good weather. The only advice I have is get a full spectrum lamp and sit under it every morning. I know, the money is not there for a new lamp, but I am going to pray you find one for nothing. Grab a doorknob and hang on till all our prayers are heard.

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    1. Aww that means a lot; I am absolutely certain it is prayer that keeps us afloat in this world. It could be light related – or the fact that we are spending more time indoors so I feel the squeeze a bit more. Also was feeling a bit run down and ill last week and I always get a bit weepy when I’m tired.

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  7. I think Tracy said it perfectly. Things might never get better and if they do it’s a bonus. But what I truly wish for you from the bottom of my heart is a way you can cope with your lot in the here and now. I remember all the spiritual stuff (non denominational!) about being thankful and others being worse off blah blah blah; but quite frankly sometimes you just don’t need to hear it…so I ain’t going to say it πŸ™‚ Hugs xxx

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  8. hmm. Some blogs are, indeed, rather vapid, and full of prettiness and ‘positive moments.’ And I do remind myself that these are selected images, edited ‘moments,’ and not the full picture. But it’s easy to forget. It is also very difficult to NOT consume and want to buy in a consumer culture. I was watching a programme on tv about wartime rationing (I know, crazy me) and I suddenly felt so daft whinging on about my lack of clothes, when I don’t actually have a lack of clothes; I have a lack of new, fashionable clothes. Not easy being broke. I hear you. Your blog isn’t vapid at all, it’s beautiful and honest and real. And thus, a lot more enjoyable. Keep on keeping on, and I will too. Oh, and DON’T IRON. Except for patchwork.

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  9. Thankyou! Yes, let’s just keep it real. It makes the good moments even sweeter. I watched that programme too! A lot to be said with making do and mending and using what we have for the job in hand.And why is it I will iron patchwork but not shirts….hmm… I wonder

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  10. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. Let me take you to my “Happy Place” (a place I visit when I am blue).Your hubby has taken the week off so he can be with the boys.You and I go up to our cabin in the wilds of Idaho, where the creek lazily flows through the middle of the back yard. We sit and sip tea amid the sounds of the gently flowing creek. We cross to the middle of the bridge and take our shoes off, our toes touching the cool waters. We chat, we laugh, we giggle, we eat. Good stuff. ; ) We go into the my shop. Large tables of beautiful fabric are laid about on the tables. We choose. We sew. You then notice my stash of vintage wears. You tell me I am not crazy. I relish the thought that someone does not think I am crazy for loving MCM objects. ; ) You must select objects that you want to take back with you. I have a large selection of yellow and gray wares that you swoon over. We eat, we sleep on feathered beds, we wake to glorious sunshine and start all over again. For a week. (sigh) Of course, there is wonderful music in the air at times. Hey…this could be true!!!! Maybe some day you can come and visit and refresh and ponder and fill the empty pitcher of being a women with silence, creativity, love and relief. I know too well what you are going through, lovely Debbie. My prayers are with you. You are a noble, creative, exceptional women and you will get through this and see better days ahead. This comes from one who knows.Love ya cutie.xoxo d

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  11. some days things stink and they keep stinking and it doesn’t seem like things will change…… i’ve had similar feelings lately and it’s hard to know how to move along in a way that is productive… sounds like venting is what you needed to do… it helps to be heard. i pray that some sun shines your way!

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  12. Debbie this made me so very sad…I wish I could give you your heart’s desires. I forget how very fortunate I am sometimes that I have some space in the house I am in now. We take such little things for granted (like cupboards and warm houses). I know that one can only take so much and then venting is a necessity. I’m glad you shared your honest feelings. It is good to spit it all out.Funny enough, my little boy asked me the other day “mom what is a house” and I asked him (thinking it was another joke) and he said “just a place to store a lot of things that don’t really matter”. Very wise (and unexpected) words. It is love and kindness and people that count. The box we live in makes life more comfortable and some are nicer than others, but in the end it is still a box. The things in it can’t come with us past this world. You are an amazing woman, mother and wife. You are a nurturer and creator. I love your blog. I love that you find goodness and beauty in the littlest of things. I love that you have dreams. Take a break, some nice tea, throw out the ironing board and iron (I did and have never regretted it!) and be kind to yourself. I know that in a couple days you will see the beauty again. Keep dreaming and never say never. Hugs!!!!

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  13. Debbie, I am really sorry I haven’t been in touch more. We have been trying to move away and I’m now 39 weeks pregnant! Time seems to have flown by. Anyway, we are staying here and once baby is here and we’re settled I would really love to meet up. I hope you are feeling better and if I can think of any practical way to help I will.Sending you love and a giant virtual cuppa!Laura xx

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  14. I know – I see the instagram preparations! πŸ˜‰ doesn’t help that I was kicked off the new Yahoo group either (yes, I was kicked off for asking for an apology for anti-christian slur *rolls eyes), but you have my email! Hope to see you all soon xx

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  15. I have been reading your blog for a while now, and love your humour and your desire to accentuate the positive that shines through. Having read this post I feel rude not to say hello. I won’t presume to give advice, you will no doubt have lots of ideas yourself on better days. Sometimes dark places can lead to new thoughts, emotions or action.I wish you the very best.

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  16. Yeah I had no idea either, they didn’t even tell me. I just wondered why I wasn’t getting emails and then someone on the inside checked, and yep, booted off for being accused of being racist and not taking it lying down. TBH I’m glad I don’t have to be involved anymore. Some very highly strung women in there. Praying for a safe and beautiful birth, Amin. Xx

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  17. Your blog post really touched me, and believe me you are SO not alone feeling like this (even though most won’t admit it). Something I find that really helps me when everything gets on top of me is having a ‘real world’ escape. Someplace just for you, that you tell no-one about. Somewhere else, not your house, your family’s house, your in-laws, work or online (they are the unwitting victims of a good rant).You might already have a place, mine is a local public park (or my garden if I really can’t get out that day). I take my newborn baby and we sit quietly, or slowly stroll around, just for 15 minutes or so. I don’t allow myself to think of ANYTHING else, so I pray dhikr constantly in my head as we go (currently learning 99 names of Allah, well trying anyway!). I don’t pray asking for help, or about my problems (there are other times for that), so it’s just me, God and the great outdoors. It’s 15 minutes of nothing else but living for the sake of God, existing purely for the purpose human beings were created for; pleasing Him. I often go there on my way somewhere else, and I never tell anyone I stopped off there, so even if i visit the park with others in tow, it remains a private sanctuary when I choose to go alone. It doesn’t make the house clean, or the laundry ironed, or the kids fed, but it means at the end of each day I can think, ‘today I have done something productive, in fact, I’ve done the the most productive thing a human being can do’ (so stick it dust bunnies!!). It doesn’t solve any of the problems, but it keeps me sane enough to carry on fighting. Plus the scary, glazed eye, manic look is so last year. And even if to the untrained observer it may seem like my life (and house, and garden, and relationships…!) are a bit fuzzy round the edges and I’m going no-where fast, I know actually I’m constantly moving forward, and that angel on my right shoulder has at least 15mins a day to scribble away.(inshaAllah). It’s something no-one else can claim ownership of. It costs nothing and harms no-one.You seem as if you are already the silver lining, accentuate the positive, kite flying kind, but thought i’d share as this brings me such peace and calm. It’s most likely entirely useless and a little irritating so apologies in advance.You and your fuzzy edges are in my Duas… remember, nothing last forever. Change is perpetual and inevitable, and the best bit is you never see it coming until it smacks you in the face. Yay!Right now it’s nearly 1AM, baby is sleeping, must be time for that next load of washing… #crazymanicglazedeyes

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    1. That is so beautiful. I am actually teary eyed. Jazakillah khair for that advice. I do find that getting out in nature centres me and I’m always calmer when I return (we live such unnatural lives in the city), but never with the purpose of dhikr. What a wonderful concept – doing something that costs nothing and harms no one. It’s one of those reminders that seem so obvious when it’s spoken out loud. Jazakillah for the reminder. Insha’allah I will do this everyday and may Allah grant you the reward of that. Amin.

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  18. Deb..I love your honesty! In fact..I just love your blog…I find it inspiring and creative…ENERGIZING!!! I am sorry for your situation, but I must say, Pictures are worth a thousand words..and I see pictures of a colorful, cozy, warm, imaginative space, not to mention 2 happy healthy children! Life is a struggle..for some more than others. Please continue to do what you do..You never know when Karma can make a comeback to you! You send out alot of positive energy…Sending you hugs…

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